A few summers ago I was in El Paso, TX, doing some mission work with a youth group. A church housed us for little over a week and we helped them run camps for local kids. Our last full day there was a Sunday and that morning I volunteered to go with a group of people to pass out food in downtown. Parts of that city remind me of New Orleans and it felt so familiar it almost scared me but I also felt the way you feel when you're in a new city and everything is fresh because you've never even seen a picture of the place. You feel like you're seeing it better than the people that have spent their lives there.
We met a man there and offered to bring him back to the church with us after getting to know him a little. He came back with us and two other girls besides myself sat at a table to the left of the stage/front with him. Before and after the service we all exchanged stories but I honestly only remember some of his. I know his father left his family, which is actually in Juarez. He sent some money to them I think. He has a little brother. He came to El Paso to get away and the only thing I remember thinking is: Why not go farther? That's about the only thing I remember about him. We had a nice exchange and he told me, personally, thank you for sharing my struggles and opening the table to him. What I remember more is that no one else went out of their way to talk to him. I think some of the adults (actually most) considered it strange and were a little iffy about it and I remembered being disgusted with them. They ignored a new comer. How dare they behave so exclusively. Christianity isn't a club folks get over yourselves.
Also, while I was working in an art camp there, a girl about 9 told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up. She had no remorse about saying that to me, either. She said it like she was telling me her favorite color (which she had told me a few seconds earlier so the indifference had that much more of a sting). I actually remember two solid reactions about it in that moment. My first was a visible cringe. None of the girls around us were caught off guard when she said it. But hearing her say that made me cringe and then want to cry, the uncontrollable sobbing kind of cry. And I did later that day when I had to share this with the group of students, to make some kind of impact to show them that this was what these children grew up in; no one to tell them that aspiring to be a stripper was unnecessary.
Those are about the only things I remember from that trip. I honestly can't tell you if God taught me anything, if I had some huge awakening to salvation. I don't even know what that would feel like and I can tell you most Christians I know don't know. They pretend that it'd be some great eye-opening enlightenment and they'd suddenly be at peace with all things. That's some bullshit. As an almost logical human being wouldn't becoming enlightened make everything that much harder. Being more aware and being conscious of more than yourself and also to the relationship you have to others and being able to think in more than generalities and break everything down into their own generalities and I just don't even know. You'd question everything, not be surer in your walk with the Lord (or at least a smart person would). The only people I've met that I've ever taken seriously in their faith and religion are those that have endured some kind of hardship. I don't believe you can claim belief in something until you've doubted it at least just a little bit. If you're not thinking about your life choices, and religion orients your entire life so it definitely counts as a life choice, then I'm not sure what you're thinking about.
That fence that separated me from the gunshots in Juarez is the same border that keeps me from a terrifying unknown and I cross it every day. I drive myself crazy chasing things I don't understand and thinking about every option in every scenario and paralyzing myself in thought. I wish everyone crossed it but who am I to say others don't. Maybe they just ignore it like all those "Christ followers" in that church.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Say Something by A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera cover
Hey all,
If you're reading this I just did a cover today cause I discovered this song so if you could all give it a listen and tell your friends and subscribe and like it or just listen to it that's cool too thanks a million
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KdXNf_jBh4
If you're reading this I just did a cover today cause I discovered this song so if you could all give it a listen and tell your friends and subscribe and like it or just listen to it that's cool too thanks a million
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KdXNf_jBh4
Monday, December 9, 2013
Camp College
I never went to camp as a kid. Never left home for weeks to be with other kids my age. Never discovered myself away from home. I'm also a homebody and I'm okay with that. I feel no need to impress anyone with my presence. But being at college for just a semester has already done a number on me. It has been wounding and unpredictable and is already molding me into a tougher human being. My mom told me I was being belligerent the other day and I'm proud of that. College is boring and wasteful and causes me to be extra contemplative and stressed, which is not a good combination in small doses so you can only imagine me now...
I feel ages away from accomplishing anything; I'm trapped. Other college freshman are so full of possibility and drive and maybe I'm wrong but it's discouraging that no one talks about the common struggle of the newbee. Starting this phase of life kind of sucks, to put it bluntly and un-poetically.
To outline a beginner's college experience for those for whom college is a distant memory or to whom the idea is foreign at least:
- you are generally alone (assuming you're far enough away from your parents' house and no one you like enough to talk to from high school attends your university)
- you are alone and on your own (unless your parents don't intend for you to learn any valuable life lessons like supporting yourself and being responsible for your own life)
- you are poor (I don't care who you are you're poor)
- university meal-plan food gets old fast
- if you were challenged in high school, general education classes make you want to trip and fall down a staircase and spend weeks on the verge of death in the hospital because it would be more fun than sitting through class
- if you don't have a car: you're stuck with public transportation and limited destinations
- if you do have a car: your friends are only friends with you to bum rides and you have to pay for parking
- you're paying a shitload (excuse me) and are constantly questioning why because of people like Steve Jobs and pop stars that are 10 years younger and can't sing on key to save their life
- a lot of other things but you get it
I don't mean to be negative but I also do because complaining makes the heart grow fonder of complaining. It's a drug.
The list above is not one you find in college brochures. You will not find it online or in magazines or when you go to tour your number one. They don't tell you these things because college is a business. You're paying a company to teach you how to do something and to give you a piece of paper when you're done that will somehow prove you're qualified for a job even though Wikipedia did most of your papers for you; that doesn't get put on the diploma, by the way.
But college is socially acceptable. Apparently blowing thousands of dollars to be taught things you could teach yourself if you were motivated enough is considered "succeeding in life." We know it's messed up but no one wants to do anything about it because systems and money are security blankets, they make us humans feel like something about real life makes sense instead of accepting that it doesn't. But university is not user friendly and it, again, sucks.
I won't rant much further, you get the message. I just encourage people to find some kind of happiness. Go to college when you want to for what you want to. Don't go for a degree. And don't second guess yourself. Do what you want because you're paying for it. In that regard, college is helpful. It helps to narrow your focus when you realize you can do almost anything you want because you're paying money to go to learn how to do it so might as well get your money's worth.
I don't prentend to know everything about the college experience. I'm only a freshman and everyone's college experience is much different.
So on that note:
Parents: love and respect your children enough to tell them to do what they want and warn them that it will be difficult and challenging - doing what you love is a brave thing
Kids: listen to your parents unless they're crazy; in that case, listen to yourself and do what you want because in college you discover that nothing was ever worth waiting for, that things aren't going to happen unless you make them happen, and that you deserve what everyone else does and no one is better than you but that you aren't better than anyone else either - you don't owe anyone anything unless you decide to
goodnight and wish me luck on finals week good Lord.
also I didn't reread or edit this post for errors so I'm sure it was a fun read!
Thanks for reading my complaints and jumbled realizations
I feel ages away from accomplishing anything; I'm trapped. Other college freshman are so full of possibility and drive and maybe I'm wrong but it's discouraging that no one talks about the common struggle of the newbee. Starting this phase of life kind of sucks, to put it bluntly and un-poetically.
To outline a beginner's college experience for those for whom college is a distant memory or to whom the idea is foreign at least:
- you are generally alone (assuming you're far enough away from your parents' house and no one you like enough to talk to from high school attends your university)
- you are alone and on your own (unless your parents don't intend for you to learn any valuable life lessons like supporting yourself and being responsible for your own life)
- you are poor (I don't care who you are you're poor)
- university meal-plan food gets old fast
- if you were challenged in high school, general education classes make you want to trip and fall down a staircase and spend weeks on the verge of death in the hospital because it would be more fun than sitting through class
- if you don't have a car: you're stuck with public transportation and limited destinations
- if you do have a car: your friends are only friends with you to bum rides and you have to pay for parking
- you're paying a shitload (excuse me) and are constantly questioning why because of people like Steve Jobs and pop stars that are 10 years younger and can't sing on key to save their life
- a lot of other things but you get it
I don't mean to be negative but I also do because complaining makes the heart grow fonder of complaining. It's a drug.
The list above is not one you find in college brochures. You will not find it online or in magazines or when you go to tour your number one. They don't tell you these things because college is a business. You're paying a company to teach you how to do something and to give you a piece of paper when you're done that will somehow prove you're qualified for a job even though Wikipedia did most of your papers for you; that doesn't get put on the diploma, by the way.
But college is socially acceptable. Apparently blowing thousands of dollars to be taught things you could teach yourself if you were motivated enough is considered "succeeding in life." We know it's messed up but no one wants to do anything about it because systems and money are security blankets, they make us humans feel like something about real life makes sense instead of accepting that it doesn't. But university is not user friendly and it, again, sucks.
I won't rant much further, you get the message. I just encourage people to find some kind of happiness. Go to college when you want to for what you want to. Don't go for a degree. And don't second guess yourself. Do what you want because you're paying for it. In that regard, college is helpful. It helps to narrow your focus when you realize you can do almost anything you want because you're paying money to go to learn how to do it so might as well get your money's worth.
I don't prentend to know everything about the college experience. I'm only a freshman and everyone's college experience is much different.
So on that note:
Parents: love and respect your children enough to tell them to do what they want and warn them that it will be difficult and challenging - doing what you love is a brave thing
Kids: listen to your parents unless they're crazy; in that case, listen to yourself and do what you want because in college you discover that nothing was ever worth waiting for, that things aren't going to happen unless you make them happen, and that you deserve what everyone else does and no one is better than you but that you aren't better than anyone else either - you don't owe anyone anything unless you decide to
goodnight and wish me luck on finals week good Lord.
also I didn't reread or edit this post for errors so I'm sure it was a fun read!
Thanks for reading my complaints and jumbled realizations
Monday, April 1, 2013
This Post Will Turn You Into A Zombie
I got on to write a blog post and I realized that when I post things on the Internet, my posts are about posting things on the Internet, especially my tweets sometimes. I don't do this all the time but my thoughts usually go in that direction. I'm a metaposter (sorry).
But on a different note, I realized that my entire generation is the epitome of lazy. There are a select few outliers that fight that assumption, but mostly lazy is what we are. We don't aim to create. We like to feast on and relish in the creations of the generation that preceded us, and, while writing this, I'm realizing that it truly is appealing; to never have to work for anything.
But that's so empty. I don't want to just live and die leaving nothing behind but my mistakes; because, inevitably, because we are human, we can rest assured that we will have mistakes to leave behind even if we do accomplish nothing but successfully making it to a timely death 60-80% unharmed, assuming that heart disease and/or some form of cancer will take hold of the body's ability to function as it should but not altogether stop it from moving towards that ultimate and inescapable end: death.
I don't mean to depress, I promise. This is more of a positive post, however hard it is to believe that. I mean to encourage myself, primarily, to get away from all the distractions and other things that disconnect us from human interaction and the creativity that our environment has the potential to inspire. I'm exhausted of sitting idly by and watching as others do things that I know I can, act on ideas that I've had, too.
If me and my generation are going to claim something for ourselves beside debt and the latest Apple product, I think we've got to be well-rounded. Not in the college application sense, but in the sense of being naturally well-rounded; the kind of established emotional awareness and sensibility technology robs us of.
The world today tells us that we are to be logical and sensible and without emotional bias. Or it tells us that our heart and our hormones know best. But there is a happy medium that is natural if we'd eliminate unnecessary forces.
I realize I'm babbling at this point so I'll end on this: stop reading my blog posts or anyone's blog post turn your computer off and read a book or start a journal or walk down the street and look at things. Real things
At the expense of irony:
Thanks for reading.
But on a different note, I realized that my entire generation is the epitome of lazy. There are a select few outliers that fight that assumption, but mostly lazy is what we are. We don't aim to create. We like to feast on and relish in the creations of the generation that preceded us, and, while writing this, I'm realizing that it truly is appealing; to never have to work for anything.
But that's so empty. I don't want to just live and die leaving nothing behind but my mistakes; because, inevitably, because we are human, we can rest assured that we will have mistakes to leave behind even if we do accomplish nothing but successfully making it to a timely death 60-80% unharmed, assuming that heart disease and/or some form of cancer will take hold of the body's ability to function as it should but not altogether stop it from moving towards that ultimate and inescapable end: death.
I don't mean to depress, I promise. This is more of a positive post, however hard it is to believe that. I mean to encourage myself, primarily, to get away from all the distractions and other things that disconnect us from human interaction and the creativity that our environment has the potential to inspire. I'm exhausted of sitting idly by and watching as others do things that I know I can, act on ideas that I've had, too.
If me and my generation are going to claim something for ourselves beside debt and the latest Apple product, I think we've got to be well-rounded. Not in the college application sense, but in the sense of being naturally well-rounded; the kind of established emotional awareness and sensibility technology robs us of.
The world today tells us that we are to be logical and sensible and without emotional bias. Or it tells us that our heart and our hormones know best. But there is a happy medium that is natural if we'd eliminate unnecessary forces.
I realize I'm babbling at this point so I'll end on this: stop reading my blog posts or anyone's blog post turn your computer off and read a book or start a journal or walk down the street and look at things. Real things
At the expense of irony:
Thanks for reading.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Give Me Love by Ed Sheeran
This is an older recording, from about a couple months ago, but I covered this song with my friend and I'd appreciate everyone checking it out, thanks!
http://danielfitzmusic.bandcamp.com/track/give-me-love-ed-sheeran
http://danielfitzmusic.bandcamp.com/track/give-me-love-ed-sheeran
Monday, March 4, 2013
America's Pants
How come I can't just have what I want when I want it?
This isn't really a problem. As Americans, we just think it is. I promise this isn't a strongly-worded hate post about how Americans are gluttons and swine and we all need a reality check because there are starving people in Africa (not to make light of that, just using it here because that is an argument commonly used). I love America. I think we've made some pretty long strides, or perhaps leaps, throughout the timeline of humanity and I appreciate this. But I fear that these long strides may have caused our pants to rip in a couple places that aren't so flattering.
In too many cases, I have found that American culture equates instant gratification with revolutionary cultural and technological advances - an incredibly dangerous thing. Convenience is glorified and it, to be honest, terrifies me. Now you'd think that I'd be satisfied by the counterculture of today's American society that strives to embrace inconvenience, old-school, and uniqueness. But because of this, "unique" and "different" have only become labels and fashion statements that people attempt to fit themselves into. And even worse is that we KNOW this. We fully acknowledge the fact that we have twisted those meanings. Hence, the term "hipster" now has a negative connotation.
Now instead of going on about my opinion on the answer I posed in the beginning of this post, I'd rather I just let it lie. The internet will fare just as well without my opinion and I don't feel led to share, I simply would just rather people think about it themselves. Is the question relevant - is there a need for it? Does it make sense to ask today? Why or why can we not have what we want when we want it? Is it healthy for human beings to be able to do so? Are we better or worse off with more availability and ease?
Thanks for reading - hope everyone's Monday was bearable.
This isn't really a problem. As Americans, we just think it is. I promise this isn't a strongly-worded hate post about how Americans are gluttons and swine and we all need a reality check because there are starving people in Africa (not to make light of that, just using it here because that is an argument commonly used). I love America. I think we've made some pretty long strides, or perhaps leaps, throughout the timeline of humanity and I appreciate this. But I fear that these long strides may have caused our pants to rip in a couple places that aren't so flattering.
In too many cases, I have found that American culture equates instant gratification with revolutionary cultural and technological advances - an incredibly dangerous thing. Convenience is glorified and it, to be honest, terrifies me. Now you'd think that I'd be satisfied by the counterculture of today's American society that strives to embrace inconvenience, old-school, and uniqueness. But because of this, "unique" and "different" have only become labels and fashion statements that people attempt to fit themselves into. And even worse is that we KNOW this. We fully acknowledge the fact that we have twisted those meanings. Hence, the term "hipster" now has a negative connotation.
Now instead of going on about my opinion on the answer I posed in the beginning of this post, I'd rather I just let it lie. The internet will fare just as well without my opinion and I don't feel led to share, I simply would just rather people think about it themselves. Is the question relevant - is there a need for it? Does it make sense to ask today? Why or why can we not have what we want when we want it? Is it healthy for human beings to be able to do so? Are we better or worse off with more availability and ease?
Thanks for reading - hope everyone's Monday was bearable.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
With A Little Help From My Friends
I just want to take a minute and write about friendship. I love my friends. I could go on about how I really appreciate the friends who were super consistent and always there for me with the whole you-know-who-you-are speech, but I think that defeats the purpose. Everyone has "friends," but I count myself so incredibly blessed to have actual friends. People that I can trust and just be myself, even if "myself" is a little weird and out of place and perhaps a little ambitious. People I can stay up and out with until 1:30 am watching dumb movies and having conversations about sleepwalking with their moms. I thank God for the friends that I can call and just cry with. I mean really cry, and not feel obligated to hold back.
But out of all these people that I love in my life, there is one person that I have known for years now. We don't see or really talk as often as we'd like because it's just so hard to find opportunities to, but without her, I'm not entirely sure if I'd be who I am today, complete with all my quirks and flaws. You know that your best friend is your best friend when you can sit in silence, or do nothing for an extended period of time, and not feel weird about it. There are few people that I can do nothing with and that time of nothing is more important to me than it would be if we had gone and had a night on the town. She's my best friend, I love her, and I'm going to miss her when we part ways this fall.
I encourage anyone reading this to thank the people in your life that have been good to you. Because chances are, you don't deserve them. I don't deserve the good people in my life but I'm so selfish that I wouldn't trade them for anything. Ever. My mom, my siblings, and my step-father are the best out of all because somehow they deal with me 24/7. I love them for that. And all of my unrelated friends are incredible, too.
You don't need a national holiday or a birthday to make the people around you aware of how important they are. And it's never too late to change your perspective from selfishness to gratefulness.
Thanks for the read.
But out of all these people that I love in my life, there is one person that I have known for years now. We don't see or really talk as often as we'd like because it's just so hard to find opportunities to, but without her, I'm not entirely sure if I'd be who I am today, complete with all my quirks and flaws. You know that your best friend is your best friend when you can sit in silence, or do nothing for an extended period of time, and not feel weird about it. There are few people that I can do nothing with and that time of nothing is more important to me than it would be if we had gone and had a night on the town. She's my best friend, I love her, and I'm going to miss her when we part ways this fall.
I encourage anyone reading this to thank the people in your life that have been good to you. Because chances are, you don't deserve them. I don't deserve the good people in my life but I'm so selfish that I wouldn't trade them for anything. Ever. My mom, my siblings, and my step-father are the best out of all because somehow they deal with me 24/7. I love them for that. And all of my unrelated friends are incredible, too.
You don't need a national holiday or a birthday to make the people around you aware of how important they are. And it's never too late to change your perspective from selfishness to gratefulness.
Thanks for the read.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)